Erica

I never felt complete living as a man despite years of effort. I engaged in risky behavior and locker room banter to feel more masculine and fit in with my guy friends. I feared they would discover my truth and turn away. 

When I was in my early thirties, my mother gave me a biography of a transgender woman. She said she thought I might like it. I loved the book, because it was the first time that I saw a path forward through my gender incongruence. Reading it also frightened me, because I wasn’t yet ready to accept my truth. I was fearful that liking it would out me to my mother, so I told her I didn’t like the book, and we never talked about it again. She died before she knew the truth. 

One thing that I have learned from transition is that you never stop coming out. There are people who will be suspicious of your motives and others that will fade away because they liked the previous version of yourself. The beautiful thing is that there are people, such as my wife and children, that support you and are willing to grow with you. 

I’m having my much-anticipated bottom surgery next week. Having this affirming surgery has nothing to do with how people perceive me and everything to do with how I feel about myself. Having a male sexual organ is embarrassing and stressful because it doesn’t match how I feel. It doesn’t work with the body I’ve been gifted, and I can’t wait to see it transform into something that gives me peace, rather than discomfort.