Zephyr

he/him, 27, Denver, Colorado

“I gotta protect my heart.”

Being transgender has hardly been my main focus in life, but when my trans friend, Daniel, died in the Club Q shooting, it shocked me back into the realization that you can be killed for being yourself.

I was dealt a shitty hand of cards. I grew up in a Southern Baptist home in Alabama, where my parents put on nice faces for church, but when we got home, they weren’t good Christians anymore. There was drinking and abuse, and my little brother and I would be left home alone for days without food. My dad called me a “fucking freak” daily. When I started hormones, I was afraid he would kill me.

I attempted suicide twice, and by the time I was 19, I knew I would die if I didn’t leave. I desperately wanted to live and be happy, so with a hundred dollars in my pocket, I packed a bag and hitchhiked to Colorado. I got on Medicaid and was able to get top surgery as well as therapy to help me undo all the crap from my childhood.

I don’t see my family anymore, because I care about my mental wellbeing, and I gotta protect my heart. I’ve had to find love in other places. I have a boyfriend now, and I only keep people around me that make me feel safe. 

Sometimes I forget that I’m trans. I’m just a human being trying to get along in this life, but now that the Club Q tragedy has struck so close to home, I’m scared to go to the grocery store. I’m torn between never leaving my house, and trying to be resilient, so I can go out and live.