Blaine

For a long time I forced myself to stay alive, holding out hope that one day I could feel like myself. When I was 14, I developed a really bad eating disorder. I wanted to feel in control of my body, and not eating was a punishment for the way my body was developing. Strictly controlling my diet was the only way I knew how to have power over myself. 

I was really sick, and mentally ill on top of that. I’ve been suicidal from a young age.  At 16, my parents sent me to a residential treatment program in Utah. They said it was because I was having suicidal ideation, but I think they did it as a way to prevent me from starting hormones. I told the staff, my therapist, and my parents that respecting that I was trans and letting me start hormones were the only things that were going to help my mental health, but they said no. I was constantly having to convince other people that I wasn’t lying. I still feel the need to do that. 

When I started HRT, it was one of the happiest days of my life. Instantly the eating disorder went away. I was finally in charge of my own life and my own body, and my parents couldn’t control me. It was freeing, and I didn’t feel so trapped. The hormones really flipped everything for me. I’m happier, more secure, more confident, and I feel safer. I have a lot of love and respect for myself in a way I never had before. 

Cis people just don’t understand what it’s like to be trans. My parents thought It was a phase I would outgrow. Even if it’s just a phase, it’s a worthy phase to explore. I would have killed myself if I hadn’t transitioned.